Back in April of last year I experienced my third miscarriage. While the experience was not new to me, this time it felt different. After two losses and then the birth of my daughter, I truly thought I would never walk that road again. It was unexpected and flipped my world upside down. The first month after the miscarriage felt similar to the grieving period I had gone through before. However, this time I had a child whom I had to care for and was so immersed in everyday life I didn’t realize what was happening. Months passed and the emptiness lingered and old thought patterns had emerged. Depression had crept back into my life.
My first experience with depression started in my teen years and lasted well into my twenties. There were periods where it got better but looking back it was a decade of floating through life feeling lost and empty. The process through depression was a long one. It took multiple instances of hitting rock bottom before I finally decided something
needed to had to change. The day I decided to finally show up for myself and take control of my happiness was a pivotal, life-changing moment. It started me on a passage of wellness, self-discovery, and growth. Depression had forced me to choose a new path for myself.
Making it through the darkness and finally reaching the light was a long journey. It did not happen overnight, or even over a year. It took a lot of work, a lot of slipping and pulling myself back to reality, and a lot of experimenting with different forms of treatment. I was able to keep depression at bay for years until it reared its little head last April. This time I knew what I needed to do, I knew the ways I needed to show up for myself, and I knew the tools that worked for me. And while it’s still very difficult to shift your momentum from being stuck to moving forward, I also knew how serious I needed to take it.
Every season of depression I have experienced has been life-changing. It was hell while in the midst of it but it forced me to reflect and reevaluate some of the choices I was making for myself. Self-reflection can be a scary, vulnerable experience. In the moment, it’s easier to keep pushing the pain and the truth further and further down. The things that live deep below the surface, however, are still a part of us. They linger until we decide to face the facts, do the work, and create change. Choosing to grow from negative experiences is always the best route to take. It takes away the power from the emotion and gives it back to you.
Depression has burned me but has also lit fires within me. It has made me shrink away to nothing but has also made me grow beyond measure. It has left me powerless but has given me strength. Depression left me with no words but has gifted me a voice. It has defeated me and yet I have won. Depression has been a blessing. It has made me into the woman I am today.
She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings.Atticus